It had never, ever, in a million years, been my intention to star in my own equestrian-themed Lifetime Movie wherein a girl meets and falls in love with a difficult wild horse wrangled into captivity from her desert home, and as the two slowly build their partnership, it becomes clear that only this girl, and this girl alone, can tame the mighty beast! So romantic. So stupid. So impractical. So inconvenient. Unequivocally the story of my life. Since I adopted Itxa 2 years ago Sunday, I've let exactly six people ride her. Three of those people were professionals, two of those people were riding at the walk, and one was pretty much my favorite teenager of all time. I can't say that any one of those rides was especially comforting to me, and some of them were just downright traumatizing. Not because the professionals weren't people who I trusted implicitly, but because Itxa's reactions to them were so vehemently negative and riddled with paranoia that no good could com

JJ: My pick-up line most of the time is 'Hi, I'm JJ, I'm divorced, have a kid, and live with my parents.' Amy Schumer: Is that true? JJ: That's totally true. [look of sheer and utter glee and delight crosses Amy Schumer's face, takes a swig of white wine.] JJ: Is that bad, should I not say that? Amy Schumer: I LOVE THAT. JJ: Probably I shouldn't try to do that Steven Tyler kickstand on the mic stand? Amy Schumer: No, I think that's a really, really good idea. JJ: Sometimes I feel like I'm too smart for like, 90% of the audience. Gets me in trouble. Amy Schumer: I'm gonna make you feel better. You're not. [cutaway to Amy Schumer confessional interview] Amy Schumer: JJ is a sweetheart. He's just missing charisma, humility, and a sense of humor. Basically, you should hire him as your next Bachelor. Maybe when he watches the show he'll reflect back on himself and not....be such a turd.